I’m finding it hard to title this post but I just wanted to put a few words down about how I’m feeling at this very moment. I feel an overwhelming sense of peace, of joy, of contentment, of confidence; an overwhelming sense of self. I feel so powerful. So fearless. So free. So vulnerable. So alive.
Two years ago I was a wreck, an emotional, hormonal, depressed, insecure, fearful, woeful wreck. All my life I’ve hated (one or all aspects of) myself. From to top of my head, to the sole of my feet. I’ve hated my eyes, my lashes, my nose, underneath my tongue, the tip of my tongue, my lips, my chin, the side of my face, my ears, my back, my skin (texture – eczema), my armpits, my arms, my hand, my fingers, my belly, my ass, toes, my heels, my weight…I could go on.
I used to send texts to my cousin at all hours of the night saying I think I’m being punished for something I did in my past life. I couldn’t understand why depression chose me. I couldn’t understand why I wanted to die. What did I do to be constantly unhappy? Why me? Then one day I had a breakdown – 26 days before my 28th birthday. I thought “..I’m not getting better..” I don’t want to die and I sought help.
Something clicked inside me though after completing a series of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) sessions; regarding certain ‘issues’ I had. I decided that I wanted to be happy, that I wanted to love myself and I wanted to live. About six months after completing CBT, I started to feel ‘healed’. I realised that everything in my life was the same as when I was depressed yet now I felt more alive than ever before. Why? That is when I realised that my joy was always inside of me just waiting to be discovered. I was always powerful, I was always capable of greatness; I was always worthy but I had to realise it, recognise it and nourish it.
Two years on (I turned 30 in November 2015) and I just feel at such peace I could cry at times. I just can’t believe how far I’ve come. Since the age of 11, I’ve wanted to die and here I am at 30 just want to live dammit!
I don’t even know the purpose of this blog post and it’s sort of all over the place with no real theme or title but I just wanted to say if you’re feeling alone, if you feeling despondent, if you’re feeling like you’re worthless, if you’re feeling suicidal please get help. You can get better, you can overcome it.
Depression is real. You as much as anyone deserve to be happy. You deserve your place in this world. You can overcome. You are loved (even if you feel as though you aren’t). You are important (even though you feel you aren’t). You can be happy (even though you feel you can never be). You can get better.
(…oh I’ve found a title… “You As Much As Anyone Deserves To Be Happy”).